Deb

Heart

2010-07-10T10:06:00.003+09:30

It has been an interesting journey the last 6 months. I have felt God nudging me forward (maybe even pushing me :)) and at each stage, I have become acutely aware of the need of owning what God is saying to me.

When I was a teenager, I had this limitless (naïve) belief and courage - I wanted to change the world and I believed God would use me. Then I grew a little older and realised that changing the world was a little more complex then I first imagined. I couldn't even really change myself. On my own, that is. And I learnt firsthand the grace of God in my life and in everyone else's - how He changes us AND wants to use us to change the world.

But just as God allowed a time of stripping of selfish motivations and self-confidence, He now invites me to grow in my confidence of Him. Never have I felt it more than now, especially when people ask me about what I am doing in Wycliffe. I feel almost apologetic and unsure. Of course, part of it is due to the fact that this is a transition period, and I am not entirely sure yet what it will look like. But deep down, I can sense a little bit of fear - do I really know what I'm doing??? What if I'm wrong? What if Aileen is wrong and I'm not suited for the task after all?

So last Sunday, I felt God remind me again "You were chosen because of HEART, not ability".

Sure, I guess God puts us in places where the gifts He has given us in the first place will fit , and I don't deny that there is some need to make sure our ability and our task matches up somehow. But I think sometimes (or maybe often times) God puts us in positions that we grow into. And at the start, I may not feel as if I really have the ability - but God knows what I will become.

You were chosen because of HEART - I was reminded of the woman of with the alabaster jar (Mark 14:3-6). How she gave of everything she had. She not only gave of her money, she risked her reputation and endured the questions of a group of men who assumed they knew her heart. It seemed like a waste - but Jesus understood her heart. He defended her and promised that 'wherever the Good News is preached throughout the world, this woman's deed will be remembered and discussed'.

And so it is today. Her story captures the imagination of millions as we ponder - what was she thinking? What drove her to do such a brave and unusual act? How did she feel as she walked in that room? As we read story, we smell the fragrance of that expensive perfume, just as if we were in the room - the fragrance of an open and extravagant heart, overflowing with love for her Master.

A pathway no one knew was there

2010-07-04T21:34:00.002+09:30

Your road led through the sea,
your pathway through the mighty waters,
a pathway no one knew was there. Psalm 77:19

For some time now I had this niggling feeling that God was speaking, but I was too busy and exhausted to pay attention. Actually, to be honest, I was too afraid to pay attention for fear of what God might say, because it was coming up to the middle of the year, the time when I believed I had to make a decision.

You see God had given me this promise at the beginning of this year, Ps 77:19. I felt I had to make my next step at the middle of this year, and that clarity will follow. But in the last six months, this pathway God promised had not appeared - yet. And it was coming close to my personal 'deadline' of 15 July 2010.

So this morning Marilyn Skinner's challenge hit too close to home: You have a choice - faith OR fear.

Immediately my thoughts when straight to Ps 77:19. Deep down inside, I think I already knew why the pathway had not appeared. God was waiting, it was my turn to move.

Just to make sure this was right, I flipped back to Exodus to read a little more about this pathway that God created for the people of Israel in Exodus 14:1-31 and I almost laughed out loud. You'll see why in a minute as you read along...

"Order the Israelites to turn back and camp by Pi-hahiroth between Migdol and the sea. Camp there along the shore, across from Baalzephon. Then Pharoah will think, 'The Israelites are confused. They are trapped in the wilderness!' And once again I will harden Pharaoh's heart and he will chase after you. I have planned this in order to display my glory through Pharaoh and his whole army. After this the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord!"

It seemed God planned it all along. He purposefully told the Israelites to turn back and camp at the sea, in a position where they were going to be trapped.

So the inevitable happened - the army of Egypt came chasing and tension rose in the Israelite camp as they considered their impending doom. I could totally identify with the Israelites as they watched the Egyptian army come closer and closer. Trapped in a corner, between the army of Egypt and the sea, with no where to turn. You could almost feel their fear! Listen to their cries

"Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren't there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? Didn't we tell you this would happen while we were still in Egypt?"

So similar to mine. 'God it's all your fault I'm in this situation now. Why didn't You just leave me alone? I could have served You in other ways. Now I'm all here on my own, tired out, frustrated.' :)

Yet listen to what God tells Moses!

"Why are you crying out to me? Tell the people to get moving. Pick up your staff and raise your hand over the sea. Divide the water so the Israelites can walk through the middle of the sea on dry ground."

And here comes to cool part - the bit everyone wants to get to.

Then Moses raised his hand over the sea, and the Lord opened up a path through the water with a strong east wind.

We all want to see God opening up paths for us where there were none before, but instead of waiting for these paths to appear, perhaps God requires us to first step out in faith. Instead of moaning and whining about my problems, perhaps God's actually saying to me 'Why are you crying to me? Get moving!'

Maybe it's a little like those computer games my brother used to play, where as the little characters ventured out, more of the map would be revealed. But you don't know what is there, friend or foe, treasure or war, until you step out.

OK God, so now I'm ready to take my next step. You just need to tell me what it is.

2010-04-24T22:10:00.002+09:30

But he was an evil king, for he did not seek the Lord with all his heart (2 Chr 12:14)

As young working adults, with our future ahead of us, we are often told we can change the world. We leave our studies and student life with the determination that we will make our lives count for God, whether it is in our work or in our home, with our families or in our community, in Australia or in Malaysia. We are told to dream big, because God is a big God and there is nothing impossible with Him!

Yet things don't always turn out as planned. We discover that there are quite a few challenges, and setbacks. We find that life doesn't always 'play fair' - we might put a certain amount of work into something, and only receive minimal results. Or we discover that things take time, it takes time for us to settle into work, it takes time to find our footing within our families and community, it takes time to find new friends.

In the midst of it, we find ourselves struggling with the every day issues - work, family life, finances, friends... and we feel helpless and unable to make any difference in the circumstances we are in. And at the back of our minds, we wonder "What happened to all those dreams?"

Unlike most of us, King Rehoboam was the king of Judah, a man with the opportunity to make a difference and the power to accomplish great things. Here was someone who could really change the world, or at least his nation. Yet 2 Chr 12:14 summarises this king's life with one word - evil. Interestingly, the Bible then explains that he was an evil king, because he did not seek the Lord with all his heart.

What if God first looks at our hearts, to see if we truly love and desire Him? And what if, our dreams, and our plans to change the world, are only really birthed from that love for God? And what if true change, whether in our hearts, in our communities or in this world, could only really be accomplished by the Spirit of God, in our hearts?

If our first priority is to seek God with all our heart, then even though we may not feel as if we are 'accomplishing great things', we are accomplishing everything - because we are right where God wants us to be.

Ps 16

2010-03-06T15:13:00.004+10:30

I feel like something is wrong but I just don't know what. At first I thought it was just coming-back-to-reality blues, after being in the Philippines and being at home. But its now two weeks since I've been back, and I don't think that's it.

In all honesty, I can blame lots of things but I think I know what it is. God's been speaking since before the Philippines and I've just found myself in that uncomfortable place of on one hand wanting to go forward and yet on the other, not wanting to move at all. It is too scary. So I'm now in denial mode, trying to live life like normal and delay making decisions till later. But it is already the first week of March and it's killing me to live like this.

'God, I don't want to live like this. Please help me hear you clearly again.'

***

Two minutes later I pick up my Bible and read Psalm 16

Keep me safe, O God, for I have come to you for refuge.
Wow! That sentence just summarised for me how I've been feeling, the source of my fears - my need to feel safe.

I said to the Lord, "You are my Master! Every good thing I have comes from you."
A reminder once again that God is my Master, and He demands and deserves my complete obedience. Not only that, He is a good Master! As I look back at my life I can attest to God's goodness. This reminds me also of James 1:17 'Every good gift and every perfect gift comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is NO variation or shadow of turning'; and of Ps 84:11b "No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly".

The godly people in the land are my true heroes! I take pleasure in them!
Troubles multiply for those who chase after other gods.
I will not take part in their sacrifices of blood or even speak the names of their gods.
I am reminded of those who truly deserve to be imitated, men and women of God who have lived life purposefully and selflessly. For a while there, I have been tempted to 'chase after other things'. Making these decisions this year will mean that I have chosen my path. I may not have the security of a full time job and steady income. I may not have the comfort of a stable, unchanging environment, or of being in the company of close friends nearby. Yet I am reminded that the people who are the true heroes are those who have followed God 100%, whatever the cost (known or unknown).

Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine.
The land you have given me is a pleasant land. What a wonderful inheritance!
The Lord is my inheritance! How precious is that. Over and above all the blessings He bestows on my life, I have a greater blessing, the pleasure of His presence AND a hope for the future. 1 Pet 1:4 we have a priceless inheritance - an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay. I need to remind myself of this priceless inheritance I already have. And God promises to guard all that is mine!
Not only that, God gives me good promises today. No matter how uncertain it may seem, I have to believe that God's promises to me will be 'a pleasant land', since every good thing comes from God.

I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me.
Thank you for your guidance now. I needed to hear all this, to remind myself before my emotions and path started to sway.

I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.
Amen!

No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety.
For you will not leave my soul among the dead, or allow your Holy One to rot in the grave.
You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forevermore.
Thank you for showing me the true way of life. It is not the way of this world, which focuses only on the here and now, and lives life for itself. Because of Christ, I can be full of joy because You are with me, and I can be truly safe because I will be with You forever.

Thank you, Lord.

What does the future hold?

2008-12-26T12:45:00.003+10:30

I have been reflecting on how I felt this time last year - everything felt wrong but I didn't understand why. And with the coming of the new year (2008), I clung on to the hope that perhaps the start of the new year would bring about something magical in my circumstances. Maybe things would shift. Maybe I would learn whatever it was that I was meant to learn, and then God would bring me out of this horrible season. Maybe I'd just feel a lot better after I rested. Maybe ...

Interestingly enough, I really felt God speak a word over my 2008 - and that was 'breakthrough'. I've had a pretty tough last three years anyway, so I figured it was about time things got better! But 2008 came, and come March I didn't feel any better - actually I felt much worse!

I remember one night being so agitated that I started to paint my nails to take my mind off everything. Now one of my finger nails always gave me problems when it came to nail-polish. The surface of the nail wasn't smooth, so no matter how many layers I tried to put on, it NEVER looked smooth. In fact, the more layers I applied, the uglier it became!

I felt God speak to me clearly that night. No amount of polish was going to hide the fact that my nail was rough. The harder I tried, the worse it became. In the same way, all that effort of trying to overcome my agitation and pain myself was only making things worse and showing off my true nature more clearly. The only way things could change was if the surface of the nail itself was smoothened. The only way I could breakthrough was if God did some deep work on my heart.

As I pondered on the events of 2008, I realised God has done just that in specific areas of my life. I've learnt a very precious truth that God can be trusted in every circumstance. Only God can use the difficult and painful circumstances of life and weave it into something beautiful.

So now I come again to the same time of the year, contemplating what my future holds in 2009.
Personally for me, one verse has been captivating me in the last few weeks. Eph 1:5 (NLT) 'God decided in advance to adopt us into His own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ. This is what He wanted to do, and it gave Him great pleasure.' As I ponder on its amazing meaning, I have felt God breathe one word into my 2009, 'Intimacy'.

I don't know what 2009 will be like. I don't know how God is going to work in my life to teach me or grow me, just as I didn't know how my 2008 was going turn out. There are so many things unknown, but one thing is certain, that 'the word of the Lord holds true and we can trust everything He does' Ps 33:4 (NLT).

2008 has been a year where this verse has proved itself in my life, and I pray that it will be so for you. Your future may be uncertain and life might feel a little too scary and unknown - but we have a God we can trust. May 2009 be a year where we shed off another layer and allow God's word to penetrate deep into our hearts, to change us from the inside out.

Fav verses in 2008

2008-12-20T21:55:00.003+10:30

Psalm 18:28-34

Have you ever been so frustrated with yourself and your lack of ability to fully represent God? This has been a constant struggle especially in my last four years in Adelaide. I have never been more aware of my frailty, my weakness, my cowardice - and oh so frustrated that when I should be loving, I hurt others; when I should be patient, I get angry; when I should speak out, I stay silent... and the list goes on.

I remember Easter 2006 reading Psalm 18:28-34, and being captivated by verse 28

For You will light my lamp;
the Lord my God will enlighten my darkness (v28)

I have been thinking about it for the last few years and have come to several conclusions so far.

One obvious meaning is that God is my guide - He lights up my way.

It is God ... who makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of deer ... (v32-33)

Looking back at God's guidance in my life, these verses resound within me because I know He has made my way perfect and continues to do that (see also Prov 119:105). Sometimes God's path has not seemed perfect because it has brought me to dark places. But I have come to realise that not all dark places are due to disobedience and sin.

In Isaiah 50:10 the question is asked "Who among you fears the Lord? Who obeys the voice of His Servant? Who walks in darkness and has no light?" The same person was referred to in those three questions, i.e. the one who fears and obeys God YET walks in darkness, (not referring to the darkness of sin). His inferred encouragement to us in Isa 50:11 is to trust in God to light up our darkness as he sternly warns those who would try to kindle their own fires that they would 'lie down in torment'! What a comfort to know that life sometimes throws us into dark situations, and when all seems dark, God promises to light up our darkness if we keep trusting in Him.

The other thought is that God is the one who makes me 'a light' for Him. Matt 5:14 tells us that as Christians we are the light of the world. I don't have to try to make myself shine brightly - it is God who does it. Isn't it amazing that God does the impossible and places this precious light in our frail clay vessels (see 2 Cor 4:6-7)!

Again, as I look back, I see God's hand in my life, using people, experiences, and all sorts of circumstances in order to make me His light

For by You I can run against a troop,
by my God I can leap over a wall. (v29)
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of deer
and sets me on high places
He teaches my hands to make war,
so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze (v32-34)

Sometimes (actually most times) I've not really appreciated His method of strengthening me or 'teaching my hands to make war'. It's been pretty uncomfortable, often painful. Yet as I look back, I see that God's discipline afterwards yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have allowed themselves to be trained (Heb 12:11). There have been many things I would never have understood or appreciated without the painful training.

Psalm 18:28-34 has become one of my favourite passages - loaded with personal meaning as I reflect on how God has been my guide, and has lighted my life in dark times, and has placed His light in me so that I can reflect Him to others. Nothing sums it up better that verse 30

As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the Lord is proven,
He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

Things I've learnt in 2008

2008-11-29T20:52:00.004+10:30

Finally, last week of uni is over. No more study! Until the next sem. But now there is just this ... this quietness ... everything slowly winding down. Feels like every reserve of energy and adrenaline has been exhausted just to keep things going this semester.

How different 2008 has turned out to be. I've learnt this year that you can never predict or control the future. So many unexpected events have lead to my today and sometimes when you can't quite see the future clearly, there just needs to be that faith to believe that 'the word of the Lord holds true, and we can trust everything He does' (Ps 33:4). I never thought I'd come to a day when I could be okay with uncertainty - but I'm getting there.

I've also learnt that noble ambitions and happy feelings don't last - and after all that's promised to God, actually obeying Him sometimes requires us just to keep at it because we know the truth. 'I take joy in doing Your will God, for Your instructions are written on my heart' (Ps 40:8)

And despite sad times, I still believe Ps 84:11b 'The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right'. Sometimes in the midst of our obedience, it just doesn't feel that way. Yet I think there is no other way to live than to live 100% for God. Although I don't have 80 years of experience yet, I have this sneaky suspicion that I'd live to regret it if I didn't choose to lay my life down for God.

I don't write this with any noble feelings at the moment. When the realities of the 'cost' of obedience starts to hit home, the temptation to compromise becomes so appealing. You start to entertain thoughts of 'Does it really have to be this way God?'

But the point isn't trying to negotiate a better deal with God - as if He would give us anything less that perfect. The point is: Do I really trust that He will not withhold any good thing as I choose to do what is right? And do I really want to do God's will because I love Him more than anything else?

I think I do ... I want to ... God, help me to ...

So what now?

2008-07-16T20:50:00.000+09:30

I've just come home from Hillsong conference, and of course it was just amazing. :) Five days of full on, focused worship, learning, and prayer. Five days of listening to God - it's amazing what you hear when you're really focused on listening! Five days of imagining the possibilities of what God could do in one person's life. Five days of stirring up faith to believe for impossible dreams to come to pass.

But now I'm home, back in the same environment I came from, back to the same routine.

I'd like to think that despite being plonked back into the same circumstances as before, I've changed. It's every Christian's dream (I think ;)) that a conference, a camp, or an experience, could miraculously change us from the inside out. But the fact is, I've not changed. My understanding has been challenged, I've been exposed to something greater, but until I prove that my knowledge has become reality by living it out, it will remain a nice experience that I reminisce about, or worse still, just something I talk about and (therefore) think I live out.

Paul encourages us that each one of you show the same diligence to the full assurance of hope until the end, that you do not become sluggish, but imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises (Heb 6:11-12)

Right at this very moment, it feels very enticing to 'become sluggish', to sit with my blankets and a nice hot cup of milo in front of the TV or with a book, on this very cold winter's night. Yet my very own words are ringing in my ears - we can't expect change if we don't do anything different. So it makes sense to me that if I just went back to my same old routine, nothing would change; no, not even with all those amazing sermons I've listened to. Not that there was anything really wrong with my lifestyle before, but God calls us to keep growing. And particularly at this point when revelation is fresh in my mind, I cannot afford to forget or to lose momentum.

Do you remember the old parable about the foolish man who built his house upon the sand and the wise man who build his house upon the rock? It's even a sunday school song. I never realised what the parable was really about until I came across Luke 6:46-49 again. The wise man is whoever comes to Jesus and hears His sayings and does them (see verse 47)! Whereas the foolish man was the one who heard and did nothing (verse 49). From this parable, we have a very vivid picture of the necessity of strengthening our faith by action so that it can withstand the storms of life.

I love conferences like Hillsong, because every now and then we need that boost of faith and that special touch from God to recharge us if we're weary, refocus our vision if we're lost, and enlarge our thinking. If we stay in the same environments we've always been in, we'd never see the different things God is doing in this world. Yet for all that, it would just remain a conference if we don't do anything about it. And I don't intend for that to happen.

The biggest fight is now, when the conference is over, the crowds gone, the band silent. Seems like we're back to square one - but there is a difference. We've tasted and we've seen a life worth living - one of total abandonment to God's cause. Will we fight to make that a daily reality?

Restricted OR stretched?

2008-06-24T18:58:00.004+09:30

Just last Friday, I was talking with a friend about the pressures of life we were each facing. After looking forward to returning to a normal Mon-Fri roster for so long, it was a shock to the system to experience the busyness and exhaustion of my new work rotation. I felt like I was hit with a tonne of bricks ever since I 'returned' from the land of shift work.

There has been a constant fight in my spirit. The seed of God's word in my heart waiting to bear fruit VS the thorns and weeds that are choking life with its cares. On days when patients are particularly nasty, and I come home to more things to do (like settle my salary sacrifice arrangements!), the thorns and weeds feel like they are getting the upper hand. And on top of all that, there are church responsibilities and many people to catch up with.

So it was soul-searching time on Friday night when I felt God ask me this question - 'Are you being restricted OR stretched?'

Good question.

---
On restrictions...
Nobody likes restrictions - especially not a task-oriented person like me! I thrive on activities. In my uni days, when I reached the end of my rope in terms of juggling life / uni / ministry responsibilities / sanity (and that happened often!), dad would say to me 'You are not big enough to carry all that you desire to carry, so put some things down.' And I'd leave the conversation a little grumpy but relieved. Grumpy because it hurt my pride to think I'm not that capable :), but relieved because secretly, I knew I couldn't cope.

As I grew older, I learnt to ascertain the 'restrictions' of God for myself and to appreciate and even enjoy them. Now at the ripe age of 26+ :) I've come to understand that restrictions can liberate us to focus our energies on what God is specifically calling us to do at this point in time, so that we truly bear great fruit. I've also learnt that despite the best-est intentions, if God didn't say to do something, I might as well go and push against a wall or elephant or giant rock or great big immovable object. (You get the point.)

Paul said in 2 Cor 10:13a "We will not boast beyond measure, but within the limits of the sphere which God appointed us - " Perhaps by staying within the 'restrictions' of the sphere God has appointed me, life would be so much less stressful and frustrating.

On stretching...
And then there are the times in my life when I have known deep inside God's gentle yet persistent nudging, "Grow. Become bigger. Don't give up." Incredibly, I'm equally uncomfortable in both scenarios and the circumstances may seem as overwhelming and impossible but the difference is that this time, God actually thinks I can handle it. Or to state it more accurately, God intends to grow me so I can handle it.

Once we get used to life, we usually don't push ourselves to grow. So God orchestrates things to shake us up a little - so we start to stretch our faith and our love again. Invariably, as I have trusted God's stretching despite how painful it felt initially, I would look back and see the that I've increased in my capacity to carry more. What a joy it is to know that it is not because we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God (2 Cor 3:5)

---

So am I being stretched or restricted? Is God providing me more opportunities to serve because He wants to grow me? Or is He closing certain doors because it is time to focus on different things? I guess these are questions only God can answer for each individual.

Life presents itself with so many choices but what does God want us to do, today?

What does God look like?

2008-06-03T11:29:00.002+09:30

The lamp of the body is the eye. Therefore, when your eye is good, your whole body also is full of light, But when your eye is bad, your whole body also is full of darkness. Luke 11:34

Recently at bible study, we watched a movie on Martin Luther's life. What intrigued me the most was the journey Luther took from viewing God as angry and waiting to punish humankind, to seeing Him as a loving Father, arms outstretched, waiting for us to come home. Luther's perception of God greatly tainted the outworking of his faith. He lived in fear, served God in fear, until he met Him through the word of God, in the face of Jesus Christ.

It made me realise how important our view of God really is. When our perception is right (when our eye is good), our actions will show it (our whole body will be full of light).

This is why Paul emphasised this in his letter to the Colossian church. You can hear his heart as he prays that they may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding ... increasing in the knowledge of God (Col 1:9-10)

And again in Col 2:2 that their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love, and attaining to all riches of the full assurance of understanding, to the knowledge of the mystery of God.

Why? Because it is only when we hear and know the grace of God in truth, that it bears forth fruit. (see Col 1:6)

What does God look like to you? How do you see Him? As angry? Waiting to punish us? As distant? As unconcerned? Or do we see with the eyes of faith Jesus, the image of the invisible God (Col 1:15a), who has reconciled us in the body of His flesh through death, to present us holy, blameless and above reproach in His sight --- IF we continue in the faith, grounded and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel (Col 1:22-23).

There is only one condition! To continue believing, to be grounded and steadfast and unmovable from the hope of the gospel! And what is this hope? That God demonstrated His own love toward us, in that whilst we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Rom 5:8) The righteousness of faith speaks this way, "Whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved!"

Perhaps we think that we do not see God as angry. After all, in this day and age, we are so used to hearing messages that God is love. Then why are so many Christians afraid to follow God fully? Why do we fear that if we gave Him our lives, we would be shortchanged? Why do we secretly believe that if we were 100% devoted to Him, we would be miserable and suffer? What does that say about our view of God? This is not the picture of a loving Father who delights in His children. If we truly see God in the face of Jesus Christ, there would be no fears in trusting Him fully with our whole life.

So what does God look like to you? If you look and find your eye is 'bad', look to the cross, find Jesus in the Word, for the commandments of Jehovah are pure, giving light to the eyes (Ps 19:8b)

Memories of my mom

2008-05-13T11:08:00.004+09:30

A few weeks ago, Ps Jonathan preached an amazing message on "remember" - and that sparked off a train of thoughts that have brought me back to the past. As I looked back on my wonderfully rich life so far, I revisited some beautiful memories of my family. Since mothers' day has just passed two days ago, I thought I'd share some of those memories of my mom. Enjoy.... :)

I reckon mom was meant to be a tour guide by profession. She can make ANY PLACE interesting, and on any sort of budget! As a child, I think I visited every possible touristic spot in Peninsular Malaysia. Mom thrived on making fun trips to waterfalls, beaches, museums, cultural events, etc. And she was absolutely the best at planning out itineraries for visiting friends, taking them not only to the 'normal' spots tourists go too but also to the lesser known places to give people a taste of the culture and life of Penang.

The greatest challenge to her skills came when we left Penang for Sibu in 1990. Now Sibu is a tiny, sleepy little town, which became known as the "second largest town in Sarawak" solely because it was placed along the Rajang River and was important in transporting goods, particularly timber, to the ports. (Miri is fast overtaking Sibu now that river transport has become less important). Hence, as you read between the lines, there was not much entertainment or places of interest. Actually, there was only ONE shopping complex there at the time, (if it could even be called a shopping complex!) and it was only 2-3 stories high. And McDonalds wasn't even there yet when we first arrived (it came a few years later).

So mom worked her magic. If you visited us in little ol' Sibu in those days, a snapshot of your itinerary would look something like this:-
- visit the wet markets because they sell all sorts of weird animals!
- take a night out on the Rajang River port (never mind that the river actually looks like milk tea. That's why you go at night, you can't see the colour)
- possibly take one of their river boats across to the little amusement park- just for the sake of a ride
- visit that park somewhere out of Sibu
- take a tour in the pottery factory and buy some handcrafted little vases!
- visit the pepper factory (Sarawak is famous for its pepper). You can even buy pepper perfume (an acquired smell I think)
- possibly visit a long house
- visit the little museum (which I have to admit is pretty interesting)
- of course, Bandung is a must - because it sells the best 'ikan bakar' (grilled fish / stingray)
- try the famous kam-pua mee (noodles)
- try the yummy belian (ferns - only available in Sarawak!) and crispy skinned chicken (I've never been able to find anything similar anywhere else)
- eat at Chopsticks for their yummy fish noodles and buns (can't remember the name)

There, that would probably take up a good 4-5 days at least, and you're sure to have lots of great memories after. :)

And we didn't stop there. If you asked most Sarawakians, they have hardly been to any other place in Sarawak except their own town and perhaps Kuching (the capital city). My family has been to Kuching, Sarikei, Bintulu, Miri, Mulu caves, Kapit, and a host of other little tiny towns and even a few longhouses. We've travelled by boat and on untarred mud roads all over Sarawak because of mom.

You see, I reckon mom's magic is the ability to help us discover why a place is so interesting. In my teen years when I turned my nose up on these wealth of experiences, I looked for the big, flashy stuff, you know, the fancy coffee shops, the shopping malls, the cinema or other 'fun' experiences. But as I have 'aged', I'm beginning again to appreciate the experiences I've gone through because of mom. It is getting beneath what the city offers to its tourists and truly experiencing life as the locals know it. And discovering that no matter how "boring" a place might seem at first, if you look deep enough, there are treasures to be found.

In the same way, just as mom is able to look past and see the treasures within a place, she is able to look past the outward appearance and see the treasures within a person. One of the most significant memories I've had is watching mom love and build relationships with the youth in Sarawak - relationships that lasted even when we came back to Penang. I learnt from her to value all people because when you do get close enough, you'd realise that everyone is interesting and has an amazing story to tell.

My mom was also the first in our family to start using computers and internet (yup, even before us kids!). I distinctly remember being instructed by mom to reply my emails when I was 16 because I was being "rude". Haha. I reckon I'm the only teenager that has ever been told by my mom to get on the internet! She learnt to use MSN and other chat programs way before I did and she visits more blogs that I do. Although dad has fast overtaken her in the number of hours they individually spend on the internet, mom remains the winner in terms of being the first to get us on to it. I think part of this is because mom is probably curious and a pioneer at heart - willing to try new things. Without her, I'd probably be stuck in the middle ages. ;) Also I think she has continued to learn because she wants to be involved in what her children are doing. She surprised me one year by her wealth of World Cup knowledge - solely because David was into it so she was watching football with him! I wonder if I'd ever be that sacrificial. hehe.

There are so many other great memories I have of mom, but this last one always sticks out. I remember our heart to heart chats usually in the afternoon. Mom usually would be doing something, ironing, folding clothes, etc. I'd be slacking on her double bed. I've always been able to share openly with my parents about things, and I think the main reason why is because their response has been so totally unexpected. The first time I thought I dropped a bombshell (i.e. I did something naughty ;)) I expected anger, punishment, etc. Instead, I received understanding, empathy, and even a few stories on mom's part of what it was like for her when she was young. And of course, I'd receive truth. Mom's listening and empathy, AND sound advice, drew me to be honest with my parents.

This was tested to its greatest when I was 18-19 and I willfully disobeyed God and my parents. I remember mom's exasperation once, when she just said pointblank that I'm old enough to make my decisions, and she cannot force me to change my mind, but that they have given me godly advice and it is now up to me. The surprise of realising that mom wasn't going to sit on me till I changed my mind taught me so much about love, and how love does not manipulate or force others, even to do what is right and good. What a painful place to be in when you watch someone you love possibly choosing the wrong path, and yet knowing that you cannot change their mind by force unless that person choose freely.

This freedom I've had to share with my parents who I am and what I am going through has helped me so much in my relationship with God. I personally have never struggled to come to God just as I am, because somehow inside, there is this child-like faith that God would never turn me away. The experience of love from my parents that is kind and gentle and does not force or manipulate, yet believes all things and hopes all things, gives me so much security. It has shown me a picture of God's love. It has in turn taught me to express love to others in the same way.

My mom is truly an amazing woman who has fulfilled God's calling on her life as she cared for her children, and is continuing to fulfill that now that we are grown up. A speaker a few months ago said this:
Influence is to win the heart and soul of another through character. It is more powerful than authority. Authority can shape what people do, but influence shapes what people becomes.

Thank you, mom, for being such a key influence in my life. You have obviously the authority to shape what I do but thank you for fulfilling your more important role of shaping who I've become.

Happy mothers' day! :)

You are my portion

2008-05-06T11:00:00.002+09:30

How quickly emotions can change! Yesterday I was on the top of the world; excited, anticipating the future, focused, happy. And over a night, because of thoughts I allowed to take hold, I woke up this morning angry. Angry at myself, angry at my brother, angry at the world.

Then I read this:

O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Yes, I have a good inheritance. Ps 16:5-6

As I started to think about my inheritance, the years I have enjoyed so far, I suddenly realised how wonderful my life is! I thank God for my great family, for the years of watching God provide and use us for His purposes. For parents who are godly and who love us so much. For the memorable times of love and laughter with my sister and little brother. I thank God for the opportunity now to get to know my brother again, after 7 years of being away. I have had so many great experiences, and so many wonderful friends that enrich my life. And oh.. so many countless memories --- the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places, yes, I have a good inheritance!

I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel, my heart also instructs me in the night seasons. I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Ps 16:7-8

More than that - I thank God for the journey He has brought me, to this day where I can say more than ever that my God is my portion and my inheritance. What would life be without my God who never leaves my side? Who just delights in blessing me a thousand times over? Without the security and peace I have that no harm will befall me without God's permission? What would life be without this hope and joy that bubbles within me and this anticipation of an amazing future?

Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will rest in hope. For you will not leave my soul in Sheol, nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption. You will show me the path of life, in Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Ps 16:9-11

How quickly emotions change! Thank God for His word, that is truly near us, that brings us life and hope, if we allow it to sink in our hearts.

The word is near

2008-04-29T11:02:00.003+09:30

But the Word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, so that you may do it. Deut 30:14

It sometimes puzzles me that two people can read the same book or watch the same movie or attend the same event and be affected differently, sometimes in totally opposite ways! I suppose we perceive things through the lenses of our experiences and our temperament, and I'm sure there are a whole host of other factors involved.

As I have been thinking though, I believe a lot of times our perception has a lot to do with our own personal desires, motives, or hidden agendas. I have attended events totally expecting not to enjoy it, and of course I've convinced myself it is because I've "been there, done that", or "it's not my style", etc. And at times, I've left totally surprised that I did enjoy it.

In the same way, as I think about the various people I've met who have express their inability to believe in God, I think some of them have chosen not to believe. A scorner seeks wisdom, and it is not found, but knowledge is easy to him who understands. Prov 14:6

Why it is that the scorner (or cynic) who seeks wisdom does not find it YET to the one who already understands, knowledge is easy? Doesn't that sound a little unfair to the poor cynic? And doesn't Deut 4:29 promise that "if you seek Jehovah your God from there, you shall find Him, if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul"?

Prov 14:18 sheds a little light. "The wisdom of the wise is to understand his way, but the folly of fools is deceit." Perhaps the truth of the matter is, the cynic does not really want to seek wisdom, and does not seek with all his heart and soul.

But before we Christians dismiss these verses as not applicable to us, let's consider how we read the Word of God. How often do we read a scripture verse and distort its meaning because its real truth is something too hard for us to bear? How often do we seek to find excuses and pretend that some verses only apply to others and not to us?

The word of God encourages us
"For this commandment which I command you today is not too mysterious for you, nor is it far off. It is not in heaven that you should say, 'Who will ascend into heaven for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?' Nor is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ' Who will go over the sea for us and bring it to us that we may hear it and do it? But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may do it." Deut 30:11-14

The Word of God is truly near us - and the Word became flesh and dwelt among us and we beheld His glory John 1:14a. So now we have a choice to choose life or death. Is the Word truly near us, in our mouths and in our hearts and in our actions? Or have we chosen to pretend to understand, but remain deceived?

Direction

2008-04-03T00:30:00.000+10:30

Then it came to pass, when Pharaoh had let the people go, that God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near; for God said, "Lest perhaps the people change their minds when they see war, and return to Egypt." Exo 13:17

Looking back to 6 June 99, back in Penang, Malaysia, when I first responded to God's call to full-time ministry, I remember thinking to myself after the altar call as I walked back to my seat, "What have I done?!" I remember wondering to myself if it was just an emotional response. What made me walk up to the front? It felt so unreal. Something made me stand, and for reasons I myself could not explain, I responded.

My hesitation was not because I regretted my response, in fact, having grown up as a pastor's kid, this was all I ever knew! If I had my way, I would have loved to start working full time at the church straightaway. But I wondered, was this really God's call, or was it just something I personally wanted.

Fast forward a few years to 25 Mar 04, in Hobart, Australia, I felt God's call to become a missionary. Not merely just as the general responsibility of a committed Christian to living out Acts 1:8 (being His witness everywhere!), but specifically, as a cross cultural missionary. Exactly a month later, 25 Apr 04, I felt again the call to the nations, and this time, I made a personal vow to go. I didn't know what it would entail, what I would need to do, but at that point I felt God asking me if I would obey and I said yes.

Another four years, to 9 Mar 08, and I'm now in Adelaide, Australia. And Ps Danny preaches an awesome message, of which the only part I truly remember is his one-liner at the very beginning "Some decisions do not have to be re-made". Something broke me that night, when I realised that God was again asking me, would I go. And that night, despite what I felt it would cost me, I knew that my decision, my vow to God, did not need to be re-made.

What lead me to this point of certainty? I was thinking about this recently and realised that my journey, despite the unexpected twists and turns and at times the frustrating lack of clarity, is the very thing God has used to bring me to this stage. If He lead me by the way which was nearest, (e.g. asking me straight out in 1999 whether I would be a missionary), I would probably have never responded. Instead, He brought me a decision at a time, through all sorts of different circumstances, to this certainty I have today that this is my calling. And I am overjoyed to embrace it!

A few years ago, when I was deliberating on another not-so-big decision, I was woken up one morning by a SMS from a number I did not know. It said:

If God leads you to walk a way that you know, it will not benefit you as much as if He'd lead you to take the way that you do not know. This forces you to have hundreds and thousands of conversations with Him, resulting in a journey that is an everlasting memorial between you and Him. - Watchman Nee

Today I look back and realise that these last few years have become an "everlasting memorial" between God and me. And as I stand on what I feel is the brink of a new season, I feel God saying those same words of comfort to me again. As He leads me along a path I do not know, I can trust Him, just as He has led me all these years, to take me to His intended destination. And I am certain that despite whatever I feel it would cost me now, nothing will compare to what He has for me, and nothing could take away the nearness of His presence as I learn to journey this life together with Him. And to quote another famous one-liner from Ps Danny, "Whatever is around the corner, God is already there!"

Hope (3)

2008-04-02T11:19:00.002+10:30

There comes a moment in time when a thought, a picture, a memory, brings back the past. You look back with eyes of understanding now what you could not have possibly understood back then.

Such a moment came upon me whilst I was following the life of Prince Andrey Bolkonsky (in War & Peace) as he faced war for the second time. This time, his whole attitude had changed. He had, from his first experience, realised that in war the most deeply meditated plans were of no avail, and that there was no such thing as military genius when no one could possibly know the relative conditions of both the army and the enemy at any one given time, nor could one gauge the force of a detachment purely from its numbers. Such were his thoughts that when presented the opportunity this second time to serve with the generals or with the Tsar, he chose instead to remain in his current position and to be sent to the front fighting with his fellow soldiers.

What a change from the prince in his younger days who believed that the power to win a war lies with the commander in chief and his generals and with the great minds that thought out detailed battle plans!

Five years ago, I would not have appreciated this story nor understood what Leo Tolstoy (the author) was trying to say. The eyes of experience teach you the futility of human effort more than any book, teacher or philospher can hope to explain.

Surely we remember such moments when one believed one could change the world! The memories of great zeal and passion, the pleading to God to use one's life, and the resulting feeling of happiness at expressing such abandonment to His purpose (which was probably more an emotion stemming from excitement and anticipation of doing some great exploit). Although we know it now to be more an expression of the vitality and naive belief of youth in its own power, of life not yet tainted by failure or disappointment or the practical realities of a complex world, still at that moment there existed the simplicity of hope, the childish egoism that firmly believes one's life could change the entire course of history.

Experience now teaches us to laugh at such hope. It reveals the complexity of this world, the myriad of different forces that compel and provoke individuals to live to their own desires. If one were compelled by a cause of great significance, its achievement lies not only in the hands of one or a few important authorities. There lies entire systems of thoughts and worldviews and values that make up society. And to move society, much less to move one person in their ideas, is not as simple as we would like to think.

Now, a little older and wiser, we understand the anguish with which the Preacher cries in Ecclesiastes, 'Meaningless! Meaningless! ... What profit has a man from all his labour?' For two full chapters, the Preacher cries out in despair, highlighting the futility of labour and human effort and wisdom. 'What can we do that has not already been done? And who knows what will come after us? Who can be sure that our labour will not be lost?' Surely, thoughts that have plagued minds for centuries.

And right in the middle of this all, we read Ecclesisastes 3.

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under heaven....

God has made everything beautiful in its time,
He has put eternity in the hearts of men
except that no one can find out the work
that God does from beginning to the end ...

I know that whatever God does,
It shall be forever.
Nothing can be added to it,
Nothing taken from it.

It is easy (especially for idealists!) to despair at the hopelessness of this world. But we despair, because deep inside, we believe, there is something better. Why do we find ourselves striving to change the world? Because somehow, we know that the world as we know it was never meant to be in this current condition. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope ... because creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption! (Romans 8:20-21).

What is our response as Christians? We HOPE STILL! For we have a promise that there will be a new heaven and a new earth ... and God will dwell with men and we will be His people ... God will wipe away every tear, there will be no more sorrow, no more crying, no more pain ... Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new." And He said to me, "Write, for these words are true and faithful". (from Rev 21:1-5)

Experience has taught me to discard my old views on how I was going to change the world. I now understand the futility of assuming humankind can work out how history is going to unfold and intervene to change its course. Only God understands His work from the beginning to the end. And now, there comes a quietness in knowing that as long as I do what He wants me to do right this very moment, perhaps one day in the future, He will show me how that very act was a part of His work in making all things new.

So, I hope.... still.

Hope (2) ...

2008-03-28T12:09:00.005+10:30

In one Calvin and Hobbes comic strip, Calvin is talking to Susie (remember, his arch-enemy) about a test they had just taken. Calvin asked her: "What grade did you get?"
Susie says, "I got an A."
Calvin replies, "Really? Boy, I'd hate to be you. I got a C."
Curious, Susie asks, "Why on earth would you rather get a C than an A?!"
To which Calvin smugly replies "I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations."

Sometimes I feel a lot like Calvin, not just about keeping others' expectations of me lower but keeping MY personal expectations lower. If I didn't hope, then I wouldn't have to deal with the heartbreak of disappointment. And after experiencing the cycle of hope and anticipation followed by disappointment often enough, sometimes it feels easier and safer not to hope and expect.

Unfulfilled hopes and desires suck out "life", yet without those very dreams, "life" dies! Martin Luther King Jr said "If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all."

So, to hope, or not to hope? Do we take the risk or numb ourselves from the possibility of disappointment? Is it possible, in this dark and fallen world, to live with hope? Or is it foolishness to hope for things we have no assurance of?

Perhaps our predicament with hope is really because we have misplaced it. We read a striking example in Phil 1:19-21, when Paul expresses his hopes

For I know that this will turn out for my salvation ... (Phil 1:19)

Paul was in prison at the time he penned these words and he says he knows that things WILL work out. That is a pretty strong statement to make! How did he know? Did he have the assurance from the Holy Spirit that he would be released? Or was he certain that God would cause an earthquake to open the prison doors just like He did when Paul and Silas were in jail in Philippi (see Acts 16:25)? God had delivered Paul many times from many dangerous circumstances; could Paul be basing his hopes on those experiences?

We read on

according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed,
but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death (Phil 1:20).

No! Paul's hopes were not based on God rescuing him from his present situation, although I am sure he wished it with all his heart. His hope was in something much surer than that. Life might not turn out the way he wanted it to, but his hopes and desires were that regardless of circumstance (life or death), Christ would be magnified through him. And that is why he KNEW that things would work out. Because whether he died, or whether he lived, he wins anyway.

Misplaced hope.

There is nothing wrong with desiring certain things. It is normal and human to wish for suffering to cease, for happiness, for financial security, for health and other good things. But when those hopes are dashed, do we still have a stronger, deeper, underlying hope and trust in God who alone is good, eternal, unlimited, and unchanging?

There is a hope we can place in the Lord who has assigned me my portion and my cup, and made my lot secure (Ps 16:5 paraphrased). This means that because God has "assigned" this difficult season to me, I will find the grace to survive, no, abound in it still!

There is a hope that whether we are dead or alive, we can live with Jesus forever" (1 Thess 5:10). Surely the hope of His nearness, His comfort, the promise of Him will sustain me through everything.

And there is a hope we can place in the power of God to magnify Christ in my body, whether I live or die (Phil 1:20). Often we unconsciously believe that if only circumstances were to change, we would be of better use to God. But "the pathway to holiness is located right where you are. In those circumstances, those relationships, in that tiredness, in that challenge. The grace of God to make you holy is right there". (taken from 'Secure in the everlasting arms, Elisabeth Elliot)

And may I add, the grace of God to make your life count for eternity is right there too.

Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God; for I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.
Ps 43:5

Hope ...

2008-03-28T12:03:00.003+10:30

Hope put off makes the heart sick,
but desire fulfilled is a tree of life. (Prov 13:12)

I have often read this proverb and found it wanting. I suppose it is just stating the facts, that unfulfilled desires causes heartbreak, and everything comes to life again when what we have been hoping for comes to pass. But the longer the wait, the more painful it is. Yet, funny creatures we are, we keep hoping.

Why? Because whilst there is still hope, there is possibility. Hope is powerful. It is the drive that keeps us waiting even when the chances of fulfilment becomes slimmer. It keeps our soul alive with the thought "maybe tomorrow".

But there comes a day when that hope either turns to joy or to disappointment. And that is when I find this proverb wanting. It does not tell me what to do with the finality of a desire that is never fulfilled.

What do we do with a hope that is never satisfied? What happens when a sickness is not healed? Or a relationship not restored? Or injustice prevails? Or our prayers go unanswerred? What then?

What may be a disappointment to one may not seem a big deal to another. The heart knows its own bitterness .... Prov 14:10a But whatever the cause, the effects of disappointment are as strong as hope. It is felt in the deadness or emptiness that fills the void which once contained hope. It is felt in the grief and/or the fear the grips the heart. If hope is the force that drives you to keep believing, disappointment feels like the chains that keep you bound because there is nowhere left to go.

What then?!

Paul's words in Phil 4:11-13 used to irritate me because they seemed so impossible. But as I have journeyed this life and experienced disappointments I have not known how to deal with, I have come to crave for the same spirit and ability to say:

Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:11-13

We hope because we look forward to something turning out the way we would like it to. But in the wisdom and sovereignty of God, our path in life might turn out a lot different. There comes a quiet rest when we can say we accept whatever lot God has placed in our lives. So whether we are "full" or "hungry", whether we "abound" or "suffer need", we know that nothing happens that is out of God's plans and purposes. And when there is no hope left to cling on to, God is still there.

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well with my soul!

Phil 4:8-9

2008-02-12T13:00:00.001+10:30

So, a week has sort of passed. Still working through stuff. I guess the whole presenting requests through prayer with thanksgiving bit is just really the beginning. You know, sometimes you wish that once you've received some sort of revelation it would just revolutionise your world instantly. But the older I'm getting, ;) the more it's finally sinking in that there really are no long term magic shortcuts to Christian maturity.

Take for example Phil 4:8. I used to really really dislike that verse. I mean, don't you think it seems totally IMPOSSIBLE to always think about things that are true, noble, lovely, of good report, praiseworthy? My default seems set on worst-case scenarios and negativity. (I reckon there should be exceptions for perfectionist / melancholic type personalities.)

Then ... it follows on with Phil 4:9 The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do and the God of peace will be with you.

And it really hit me that day. I KNOW how to "diagnose" my problems and what I'm feeling and going through. I know what the word of God says about what I am experiencing. I've gone to others to learn and receive from them and they've basically said things I already sort of knew.
But there is a difference between knowing what to do AND actually doing what I know. The agitation and emotional distress I fight almost daily show me that although in theory I know what I should be doing, I am not really doing it consistently yet.

But ... it's getting better ... and even though at times I feel like I'm never going to change, I know that that's just my melancholic disposition expressing itself. And deep down, I know there is power to change. God has brought me this far, and He will complete what He has begun in me. I just need to keep taking one step at a time in the right direction.

Phil 4:6-7

2008-02-12T12:38:00.000+10:30

I have been feeling agitated, stressed out, messed up - you know the generally feeling when nothing seems to be going right in the world. Life keeps going on regardless of how you feel and so issues and decisions just sort of pile up on each other. On top of this, I feel God's nudging to become bigger and deal with character-type stuff. Sigh. It's almost as if nothing has changed from the last year, only intensified. And I don't feel like I'm any closer to overcoming than I've been before. But maybe I am - who knows. At least I don't feel as defeated.

One night I remember attempting to demand that God took me out of my misery. And I was drawn to Phil 4:6-13. I have read this passage a million times already, and was almost thinking that it was waste of my effort. I've done the "thank you God" and "presenting my requests" bit so often - and although the promise that God's peace would guard my heart and mind would sort of come to pass, it was always temporary.

How do you have God's peace ALL THE TIME?!?!

I read a different version from the Message bible which read like this:
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Phil 4:6-7 (MSG)

I guess sometimes what I mean by wanting God's peace is more having an answer or an assurance that things will work out the way I want it to work out. Instead, God's peace has more to do with knowing that He is totally in control and that no matter what happens, it's going to be okay because I have Christ.

I suppose if I was assured of that one constant (Jesus is with me) then it IS possible for me to have God's peace all the time. And perhaps this whole struggle for peace is more a journey of discovery, for me, that all I really do need is Jesus.

Integrity

2008-01-12T17:19:00.000+10:30

The integrity of the upright will guide them - Prov 11:3a

It is so easy to hide and to pretend.
It is so easy to choose to ignore the promptings of God and the advice of wise friends.
It is so easy to put on a show and pray no one will find out.

But where would it lead me in the end?

God, help me to remain true to You and to be entirely open about where I am at.

What confidence is this in which you trust? Part 4

2008-01-01T19:27:00.000+10:30

Now we come to the climax of the story, and really the verse that first piqued my curiosity about this entire story.

This is the day of trouble and rebuke and blasphemy; for the children have come to birth, but there is no strength to bring them forth. Isa 37:3

Everything really climaxed for me in the month of October and November 2007. It felt like if anything could go wrong, it did. And because I was already tired, worn out, isolated and vulnerable, every accusation, every attack, hurt a lot more. When things couldn't get any worse (or so I thought), I started struggling with an issue I thought I had already overcome in my uni years. Talk about demoralised. I remember feeling like I just wanted to give up.

But God was waiting for me - and He knew exactly what I needed. It was amazing how every sermon and every leadership training session I attended was exactly what I needed to hear. And I could never be thankful enough to Ps Bek A, and Ps Jon & Bec Font, for being there when I needed the guidance the most.

I remember Ps Nick's session the most, because it was then that I suddenly understood Isa 37:3. Ps Nick was teaching on tests, and he used an illustration about the birth of his first daughter and how his wife initially planned NOT to take the epidural to ease the pain. However as the pain escalated, her resolve broke down until at last she insisted on taking the epidural. However the effect of the pain being removed was eventually offset by the extention of the length of the whole birthing process. And Ps Nick made a comment that sometimes we as leaders need to choose not to take the epidural (or find that quick fix to alleviate our pain), because we would lose the drive to push through. In fact, pain can be a blessing in disguise because it forces us to push through.

This whole story of King Hezekiah suddenly feel into place. Everything that had happened, the loss of the strong cities, the accusations and loss of confidence, had finally culminated in this one moment - where it was almost as if the "baby" or the miracle was about to come out, but there was no more strength because of the pain, exhaustion, and fear. Boy did I relate to this.

It is interesting to note how King Hezekiah responded. In Isa 37:1-6, he sent messengers to Isaiah the prophet, and it sounded as if he was pretty demoralised too (consider the way he addressed God in Isa 37:4 "It may be that the Lord your God"..). However, when Isaiah encouraged him, King Hezekiah's response when another attack came was a lot different. Hear the faith and truth he expressed:

"O Lord of hosts, God of Israel, the One who dwells between the cherubim, You are God, You alone, of all the kingdoms of the earth. You have made heaven and earth. Incline Your ear, O Lord, and hear; open You eyes, O Lord, and see; and hear all the words the Sennacherib, who has sent to reproach the living God. Truly, Lord, the kings of Assyria have laid waste all the nations and their lands, and have cast their gods into the fire, for they were not gods, but the work of men's hands - wood and stone. Therefore they have destroyed them. Now therefore, O Lord our God, save us from his hand, that all the kingdoms of the earth may know that You are the Lord, You alone." Isa 37:16-20

And God answered him.

---

It was really difficult during that time not to give up. It would have been so much easier just to not hope anymore, or to not try - very much like taking the epidural. But I thank God that He knew just what I could handle, and that He gave me the strength to make the right choices at the right time. I'm so glad He doesn't leave me to my own devices because I would have failed miserably! Thank God for Jesus, our Faithful High Priest who ever lives to make intercession on our behalf (Heb 7:25)

What confidence is this in which you trust? Part 3

2008-01-01T19:25:00.000+10:30

Ahhh it's 2008 and I haven't finished my reflection ;) - well I've sort of finished it but have not had the chance to put it down in words. So where was I? Can't really remember what I intended to write next. Confidence - that's it. I have had my confidence shaken in a few areas, particularly this year.

The first area is in my own knowledge / wisdom / ability to think and plan things out. Found out pretty soon that I really don't know what I'm doing at all! The second was in my own personal motivation and passion to live for God. If there was one thing that really sapped my strength - it has been fear. Fear of not knowing what to do, fear of being a failure, fear of never ever being able to do what you think you are meant to do.

The third area was in my unconscious trust in "man". I never realised how much I do depend on the advice and support of others, until I found myself in some situations where I felt entirely alone. And finally, the cruncher - how much do I really trust God?

---

Thus says the great king, the king of Assyria, "What confidence is this in which you trust?
I say you speak of having counsel and strength for war; but they are vain words. Now in whom do you trust, that you rebel against me?
Look! You are trusting in the staff of this broken reed, Egypt, on which if a man leans, it will go into his hand and pierce it. So is Pharaoh king of Egypt to all who trust in him.
But if you say to me, 'We trust in the Lord our God,' is it not He whose high places and whose altars Hezekiah has taken away, and said to Judah and Jerusalem, 'You shall worship before this altar?'" Isa 36:4-7

I think sometimes the very accusations that the enemy brings are true, just not entirely. Most of taunts that the King of Assyria brought against King Hezekiah is true. It is true that human counsel and human strength is limited. And man's help does not guarantee success. But it doesn't end there! God, on the other hand, is limitless and entirely trustworthy. If we can be confident of anything, we can be confident in Him.

It is such a horrible feeling to have the things I have unconsciously depended on taken away. I can't quite describe what exactly happened this year or how I grew, except that the following verses became very precious to me and God did a work in my heart. Let me leave you with them, as I start writing my next post! ;)

For You will light my lamp;
The Lord my God will enlighten my darkness.
For by You I can run against a troop,
And by my God I can leap over a wall.
As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the Lord is proven;
He is a shield to all who trust in Him.
For who is God except the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength,
And makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of deer
And sets me on my high places.
He teaches my hands to mak ewar,
So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
Psalm 18:28-34

The gift of pain

2007-12-15T15:25:00.000+10:30

On Friday I woke up with shooting pain all down my right upper thigh - for no apparent reason. I had not done any heavy work (unless that includes walking to work on Thursday and vacuuming!), and did not remember any physical trauma. After attempting a few times to get up and walk, and having to clamp my mouth shut so as not to wake my housemate with my cries of agony, I decided this might be more serious than I thought. My first instinct was to stay in bed and hope it would go away (the ostrich approach :) evade the problem!). After all, it only hurts when I put weight on my right leg. But because I had to lend Karen and Mey my car, I actually had to call them and let them know I couldn't possibly drive to their house and it was unlikely I would be able to go to work today. They panicked and insisted I go to see a doctor, which I only grudgingly agreed to do because the pain was actually quite bad. My main worry about seeing the doctor was that I felt really stupid about it. I mean, what if this pain was really because I walked to work on Thursday?!

Anyway - the doctor refered me to a physiotherapist and in the end, it turned out to be some nerve problem somewhere on my back. The physio inflicted a great deal of pain to my back but surprisingly the pain in my leg started going away! (Hurray for physios!)

I was reading yesterday about physical pain as a gift that alerts us to something not being quite right, with the purpose of keeping us from injury. Physical pain really forces you to stop your normal day-to-day activities and find out what is wrong. The pain was so severe yesterday I just HAD to get something done. If the degree of pain was any less, I would have just told myself to get over it. (You see, I actually had some pain in my leg for the last few days, but it only hurt occasionally and so I ignored it!)

I was thinking (since I had lots of time to reflect in my bed!) about other types of pain that also act as a symptom of something not being quite right. It is a lot easier to ignore symptoms that are not physical, like fear, guilt, emotional pain, etc. And as I thought about this year, this little incident was a further reinforcement to the lesson I have been learning about taking heed to my inner world. If I kept ignoring the symptoms because I am busy, or not willing to face up to it, one day I might wake up with such severe "pain" that it would take a lot more to recover than if I kept my heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. (Prov 4:23)

Disclaimer

2007-12-14T16:29:00.000+10:30

I would just like to add a quick disclaimer regarding my previous post:
I suppose there are 101 valid and true reasons for difficult seasons in our lives. Perhaps God is testing our faith, or training us, or exposing (to us) our motives, or developing patience, etc.

I want to make it clear that the "difficult seasons" I was referring to was mainly to do with God's discipline (i.e. character development), and not to suffering in general. I suppose I am making this disclaimer in light of a recent tragedy. A friend's brother was recently washed away at sea and now assumed to be dead. At times like this often a myriad of unhelpful, uncomforting and outrightly wrong suggestions offered as solace by Christians (usually) to make a sense of tragedies or sorrow. I do not believe that God allows tragedies like this to train us or test our faith! And sometimes trying to understand "why" just gets us nowhere. There are some good authors who have tacked the subject of pain and suffering well (C.S. Lewis, Philip Yancey) and it is worthwhile to read even if only to help us to better understand and offer comfort to those in difficult and impossible situations.

What confidence is this in which you trust? Part 2

2007-12-04T22:11:00.000+10:30

Isa 36:4 ... 'Thus says the great king, the King of Assyria: "What confidence is this in which you trust?"

---

Someone asked me recently what caused me to lose confidence. What a thought provoking question. I think a reason that stands out is it was so unexpected! I used to expect the "sow & reap" principle to work all the time, i.e. work hard enough and you'll have the results to show for it. I thought I had lived my life as best and as rightly as I could in the sight of God. I've served Him as whole-heartedly as I could and have strived my very best to obey Him. Doesn't this mean that I should generally be happy, well and experience success?

Perhaps it is this misunderstanding that shook my confidence. In 2 Chr 31:20-21, it says "Hezekiah did what was good and right and true before the Lord his God. In every work that he began in the service of the house of God, in the law and in the commandment, to seek his God, he did it with all his heart. So he prospered." This is the part that makes sense.

Yet this is followed immediately by 2 Chr 32:1 "After these deeds of faithfulness, Sennacherib king of Assyria came and entered Judah ..." and this part doesn't always make sense!

I reckon if I were King Hezekiah, I would have been pretty perplexed. After all, he was a great king (cf 2 Chr 29-31, 2 Kings 18:1-8). And yet after all his faithfulness, the enemy comes and takes away his strong cities.

Why???

---

I suppose there are 101 valid and true reasons for difficult seasons in our lives. Perhaps God is testing our faith, or training us, or exposing (to us) our motives, or developing patience, etc. It is comforting to realise it is not because I'm doing anything wrong (in this particular instance), instead this is part and parcel of the maturing process all Christians need to undergo.

As I thought about it, I have come to realise how much I sought the things God brought into my life (the feeling of well-being, success, etc) rather than God Himself. That's why I reacted so much when these things were taken away. It's not that God wants us to experience pain, but sometimes even the good gifts He brings into our lives can become a distraction to the greatest gift we actually possess, the promise of His presence.

Perhaps that is what makes these last three years so special to me now. Despite the tears, frustration, pain, etc., God has been and still is with me. And I think I can say with more conviction now that He is more precious to me than the fulfilment of everything I have hoped for. How can I describe what He has been to me these last three years?! Impossible. He is my treasure, my delight, my comfort, my protector, my ever loyal and constant friend, my loving and merciful Father. I pray that my love for Him would grow because I love Him so much less than He deserves. Even as I pen these words, I pray that they are not empty words because I know how easy it is to "say" how much I love Him. But I also know that He already knows the depths of my heart and loves me anyway. What security! He is so devoted to me. May my life always be consistently devoted to Him.

What confidence is this in which you trust? Part 1

2007-12-04T20:30:00.000+10:30

There are seasons in your life when it feels as if every thing that you once depended on, took for granted, held on to, found security in, has been taken away. As I look back on the last three years of my "new" life here in Adelaide, I am so aware of this feeling of helplessness.

I am not normally one who would feel at a loss. In fact, my most common stance has been "Everything is possible!". Looking back, I think it was more emphasis on "I can make this work out" rather than "I trust God". Perhaps that is why this "new" sensation of helplessness has been such a shock to my system. ;)

---

Isa 36:1 Now it came to pass in the fourteenth year of King Hezekiah that Sennacherib king of Assyria came up against all the fortified cities of Judah and took them...

What are the "fortified cities" in our life, the places of strength in which we trust?
I have many. My own "wisdom". My leadership ability. My ability to work through problems. My persistence. My drive to succeed. My past experiences of "success" in my personal life and in church ministry. The promises God has given me for an amazing future.

It was such a surprise when everything didn't just happen the way it used to. Coming to Adelaide, believing firmly that God called me here, and then not seeing anything really happen (at first), was frustrating and confusing. I kinda expect that God would at least make something happen to justify why I had to give up something I've dreamt about for most of my life (going home and serving in my home church).

But He says wait. And then begins a season of almost unbearable pruning, so much so at the end fo 2005 I almost gave up on everything because it just felt as if I couldn't do anything useful for God anymore! Everything that once came easy was so much hard work - with so little fruit.

But wait, it's not over yet. 2006 comes along, and God challenges me to really listen to Him. SO. Being "obedient", I made certain decisions based on what I thought was confirmation, and things happened that made me wonder if I was spiritually deaf, schizophrenic, or just plain deceived.

Then 2007 arrives - and what a year it has been. Every thought, every motivation, highlighted and underlined twice. God placing His finger on so many things. Doubts arising - "Did I really do as well as I thought I did?" More terrifying - "Were any of my past (and present) efforts in serving God actually going to last?"

Finally to top it all, a personal battle I thought I had fought and won came back to haunt me. And the feeling of helplessness increased, ending up in defeat. It seemed the harder I tried, the worse it got. "Have I done something wrong? Didn't I try enough? I'm doing everything I can and it seems the enemy is just winning! What does this all mean?!"

...the king of Assyria came up against all the fortified cities of Judah and took them...

It seems so final doesn't it. The enemy took them!

---

But that is not the end. Looking back, I was overly self-confident without realising it. It sometimes cracks me up when others now tell me to be more confident - because it seems as if I have become a different person from the "Deb who could do anything" prior to my Adelaide days. When self-confidence is taken away, what is my confidence really in???

But when everything is stripped away, God begins His work.

Right from 2005, this story about King Hezekiah (in Isaiah 36, 2 Chronicles 32, 2 Kings 18), has spoken to me. And as I have been reflecting about this year, and the last few years, God has been showing me why. So allow me to share with you my journey as I start to consolidate my thoughts on this season. It does not end here in gloom and doom as in this present post - just setting the scene ;)

So ... till the next post....

Something more ...

2007-11-01T20:13:00.000+10:30

"And He humbled you and allowed you to hunger, and then He fed you with manna, which you did not know, neither did your fathers know it, so that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes out of the mouth of Jehovah man shall live. (Deut 8:3 MKJV)"

Every now and then, a sense of deep disatisfaction comes upon me. It hits at the moments I least expect. Perhaps on the way home from work after the rush of the day is over, or in the stillness of the few quiet moments just before bedtime. Sometimes it even comes in the midst of being surrounded with friends.

What is it with life that makes us want something more? And what exactly do we want?

At times when there is great need, it is easy to think that we want those needs met. If only the problems go away... If only I feel better... Yet even when things DO get better, still, the lingering sense of there must be something more ...

"And He humbled you and allowed you to hunger..."

Could it be that perhaps the hunger is allowed to open our eyes to a deeper hunger?

"And He fed you with manna..."

In Jesus' day, the Jews were equally distracted by their physical hunger and Jesus' ability to feed that need (with the five loaves and two fish - John 6:1-59). He was not impressed at the lengths the crowd went to seek Him, rather reminded them not to seek Him because they ate the loaves and were filled, but to come to Jesus, the true bread ("manna") from heaven.

I wonder how often I miss the point.

"Man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God"

The truth of this verse is more powerful than just a statement of God's ability to speak into being the answers to our needs (although He is more than capable of doing so!). Rather, God allows us the sense of hunger to help us realise our life was created and is being sustained by Him. The Word of God came down in flesh (John 1:14) as the true bread sent from heaven to bring life (John 6:33). He is our life! (Col 3:4)

How often we forget that life is more than the things we can see and touch around us. That everything in this universe is being held together by One so great and so awesome, yet so personal that He's waiting for you and me. And He calls to us in many different ways. And when life overwhelms, and even when things are going just fine, we can also say, just as Jesus did in the wilderness, reiterating the words Moses spoke many years before Him, that "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God." (Matt 4:4 MKJV) There is more to life than what we perceive ...

Growing no faster "than grace allows"

2007-10-17T22:22:00.000+09:30

excerpt from "God is closer than you think" by John Ortberg

If you find yourself slow in making progress, take heart. Brother Lawrence writes that for ten years "I was worried that my walk with the Lord wasn't good enough ... Sometimes it got so bad that I thought I was on my way to hell - willfully offending God - and that there was no salvation for me." This was the point when Lawrence stopped expecting to grow any faster. When he accepted his own "slowness," he as at last able to begin to live in grace from one moment to the next. He counseled others to be similarly patient. He writes about one person who was full of good intentions but "wants to go faster than grace allows."

Phil 1:8-11 cont...

2007-10-09T18:36:00.001+09:30

that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, (NKJV)

What comes to your mind when someone says the word "Love"?

In this era we have made "love" such a transient emotion. The picture most of us would conjure up would be a couple holding hands, smiling dreamily into each others eyes. Or maybe we'd think of a girl so "desperately in love" that she can't help but do anything for the guy of her dreams. (Funnily enough she then "falls out of love" the next week / month / year.)

Sometimes we then apply this same word to our relationship with God. Meaning we think that we "love God" when we "feel" passionately about Him. But Paul talks about our love for God growing in knowledge and discernment?! The picture doesn't seem to fit! Knowledge and discernment (insight, judgement) sound like such hard, intellectual words.

For me, there are two main reasons why it doesn't seem to fit. Firstly we think of love purely as an emotion, particularly the feeling we get when we are romantically in love. We forget that the greatest act of love was one of choice - in which Jesus chose to lay down His life for His enemies (us). I don't think that there was soft music and dreamy eyes in His mind when He prayed at the Garden of Gethsemene.

The second reason is that we think of knowledge and discernment as something intellectual. But to know someone, to truly know them, is different from just knowing about them.

In John 17:3 Jesus says "And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." But He wasn't just talking about knowing God intellectually. If you are not convinced, read what Jesus says in John 6:39-40 "You search the Scriptures for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life."

We think we "know" God when we can quote Bible verses or say the 10 commandments by heart. Yet how many of us would say "I know my friend because I know her address, her passport number, her mobile number of by heart"? (I know that analogy doesn't really fit, but I hope you get the point).

I think that is why Paul prays that our love would grow more and more in knowledge and discernment. Because the type of love that God wants from us is one based on our true knowledge of Him as a Person, expressing itself in our ability to discern what He loves and what He hates.

Other interesting translations:
And this I pray: that your love may abound yet more and more and extend to its fullest development in knowledge and all keen insight [that your love may display itself in greater depth of acquaintance and more comprehensive discernment] (AMP)

I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding (NLT)

Phil 1:8-11 cont...

2007-10-08T22:17:00.000+09:30

And this I pray, that your love may abound

It is so easy to get caught up in the peripheral issues and forget that life is about loving God, and loving people. In fact most of us have heard that particular phrase (loving God and loving people) so often we automatically switch off. It doesn't strike us with excitement to think about such "basic" Christian knowledge. We want to move on - to grow in the "deeper" things of God, to hear about His power, His miracles, and to be used mightily in supernatural ways!

Yet the fact of the matter is that loving God and loving others are the most important things. (Matt 22:37 & 39; Rev 2:1-7, 1 Cor 13).

Eph 2:13 says that now in Christ, we who once were far off have been made near by the blood of Christ. Once when I read this, it suddenly struck me: In light of the high price Christ paid for true intimacy with me, how much do I really know and love Him?

I have personally found that I need to fight for intimacy. My calendar fills up so quickly , that if I don't pencil some time in for God it'll never happen on its own. And it is so tempting to think that I can make do without my quality time with Him because there are always more pressing and urgent matters. Perhaps that is why Paul prays for love to abound. Because there is a constant fight that makes us lose focus on what life is all about.

May we never "get tired" of growing in our love for God.

Phil 1:8-11

2007-10-08T18:30:00.000+09:30

And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and in all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ, being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

It always fascinates me to read what the apostle Paul actually prays for. Whilst writing this letter to the Phillipians, I believe Paul was actually in prison. There could be a 101 things he could be pleading to God for, e.g. to get out of prison, for the guards to be nice to him, for a nice hot shower (I'm assuming the toilet must have been pretty primitive), for yummy home-cooked food... I reckon that's what I'd be asking for! And yet Paul's thoughts are on the Phillipians.

Let's pause and think about it. Is Paul just from another planet OR is it possible that we could, as human beings, be that selfless?

I remember a season when I really wondered about this. Maybe I'm just "not the type" to care. It's not that I don't want to pray sometimes, I reckon it's that it doesn't even occur to me to pray for others because I'm so preoccupied with myself! Not only that, how often do I promise to pray for someone, and only remember to pray once! And then even in my prayers, aren't they usually just one-liners (e.g. God please bless her. Amen). How does Paul come up with all these great prayers that mean so much? And how is it possible that he sincerely wants to pray for others when he himself is in prison!

Sometimes when we open our eyes and see how truly selfish we are, it is pretty demoralising. But you know what? It isn't a surprise to God (that we are selfish, I mean). And it is quite comforting to know that God loves and believes in us anyway. And as we focus on loving Him and learning to love what He loves, we will find ourselves being transformed into His image.

Now as I look back, I know I have grown to care more for people. I know it is not a feeling I conjure up myself. It is not out of guilt that I force myself to care. God can change our hearts. It is possible to start praying prayers like Paul's - AND really mean it too!

Phil 1:3-6

2007-10-07T22:32:00.000+09:30

I thank my God upon every remembrance of you,

Does it ever strike you that the apostle Paul must have had an amazing memory? And I don't think he was heaps young when he wrote this letter. And does it ever challenge you that he remembered people so often? Actually it challenges me more that he THANKS God every time he remembers them!

always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy,

Isn't it amazing that it fills him with joy to pray for others? Makes me stop and think how many of my prayers are filled with thoughts of others and how much I actually enjoy praying for them.

for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now,

Do I KNOW enough about others to pray for them anyway?

being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ

This gets me every time. How confident am I in the amazing power, and more importantly, love of God, that will pursue and perfect this salvation started in me? And how confident am I that God will do the same for those I care about?

It hurts to watch people walk away, make wrong decisions, turn their backs on God, or just take little steps in the wrong direction. (After all, it all starts with the little things doesn't it?). At recent times I have felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness, knowing that no matter how much I do care, I cannot make the decision for others and God will not force them to choose the right path either.

Perhaps it was Paul's experience with our persistent God who did not relent in pursuing him that caused Paul to say with confidence that God will complete what He has begun. And just as Paul was confident, I too can be confident that God will complete what He has begun in the lives of my friends and in my life. Of course we still need to make the right choice but as far as God is concerned, there won't be a lack of pursuing on His part. After all, His commitment has already been clearly demonstrated at the cross.

Wait

2007-10-05T23:25:00.000+09:30

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait.”

“Wait? You say, wait!” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,
Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!”

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting … for what?”

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want – But, you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint;
You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You’d never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You’d know that I give and I save … (for a start),
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that ‘My grace is sufficient for Thee.’
Yes, your dreams for your life overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, “WAIT.”

taken from "Perspectives - a spiritual life guide for twentysomethings".
Author unknown

Loving Malaysia

2007-08-10T15:38:00.000+09:30

Malaysian Independence day is coming up! :) I have been away from Malaysia for so long I've forgotten what a big deal it is. The newspaper and TV channels keep reminding us that Merdeka day is coming soon, not that we need the reminders, what with all the flags popping up everywhere in an attempt to out-flag each other. Of course it IS our 50th anniversary.

In primary and secondary school, I remember we used to sing "patriotic" songs regularly - an attempt to induce patriotism in our young hearts and minds. I don't think it worked very well - not amongst those I was with anyway. There seemed to be a general mockery towards the "old-fashion" virtue of loving your country. (But then again, didn't youths generally seem to mock everything?)

What does it really mean to love your country anyway? I have thought about this often, being away from home. Perhaps it was only when I realised that I may be permanently in Australia that I suddenly found a soft spot for my homeland. Sometimes you feel like a traitor for having to make that choice, even if you know it is what God has said to do. I sometimes react (perhaps a little unfairly) to the generalisation that people migrate because it is a better life elsewhere because that was not the reason why I chose to stay in Australia. I believe that we need to be as sure of the place God has called us to as well as the vocation.

But back to patriotism. Do we just love Malaysia because we're born here? Perhaps what has turned people off from being patriotic is sometimes the expectation that if you love Malaysia, you love it blindly. We can love others with our eyes wide open, fully understanding their faults yet loving them still. And I think that is the same for loving our country. Sure there are lots that could be improve, and there are somethings that we do not think is just, BUT Malaysia is part of God's plan. And Malaysians are God's creation, every race born in the image of God. That gives us as Christians a stronger reason than just racial harmony to honour other cultures.

Perhaps another reason why it seems some of us couldn't care less what our nation or government does is because we keep waiting for the day we will be taken in the clouds to meet our Maker! :) We know that our citizenship is in heaven, and that this earth is only temporary. BUT this does not excuse us from sitting on our bums, complaining about problems and doing nothing! We still have work to do - to be the salt and light in the world.

Sometimes we hold the view that it is only eternal, spiritual salvation that we should be concerned about. My views on this have started taking clearer shape through an interesting book called "Issues Christians must face" by John Stott, which talks about why Christians need to engage in today's issues - such as terrorism, same-sex marriage, debt cancellation, AIDS, etc - "essential reading for Christians who wish to engage our culture with insight, passion, and faith, knowing that the gospel is as relevant and deeply needed today as at any time in history." (publisher's description in italics). Not that I am all knowledgable now, but I have come to realise how irresponsible it is not to be engaged in our generation and our nation.

But we come back to the first thought. Why engage with Malaysia? Why love Malaysia?

Because whatever other people may say and believe, God loves Malaysia and has been involved in its history from the very beginning. And He wants to be involved in its future.

Faithful unto death

2007-08-03T18:35:00.000+09:30

I have been in quite a few hospitals recently. My grandfather is chronically ill and my grandmother unable to cope with caring for him. They look so frail. Two friends of my parents, one younger and another a little older, have recently been in hospital too, for serious conditions.

It is so different when you enter the scene as a relative or a friend. As a hospital staff, you may wonder what is going on behind the anxious or angry faces of the patients and their family, but the thought of death or illness is often far removed from your mind. Yet when you look at the faces of people you know it strikes you again how short life is.

What will I be like when I am 70? It is at times like these that I am reminded of eternity. Not that I am afraid. Instead, perhaps a healthy exposure to those who are nearer to eternity than I may be, keeps things in perspective.

I have often wondered how I would like to be remembered, when I do die. I remember reading a story about a young lady called Lottie Moon who gave up everything to fulfill God's calling to go to China, in a time when women were not encouraged as much as they are now. Perhaps the most impacting thing about her was how people remembered her after she died - as faithful (to God) unto death.

Imagine being remembered as the one who was faithful till the very end. I think that would be more precious than anything else in the world. To be 100% totally devoted to God until the day I die.

O God, You have taught me from my youth;
And to this day I declare Your wondrous works.
Now also when I am old and gray-headed,
O God, do not forsake me,
Until I declare Your strength to this generation,
Your power to everyone who is to come!
Psalm 71:17-18

Food

2007-08-03T00:11:00.000+09:30

Hahaha I'm having too much fun to do any sort of work (including typing emails and thinking of things to write). I thought I'd just give you a list of the food I've been having (as promised *wink*)

- DURIANS - a total of 10 of them (i think)! among my parents and myself la... :)
- roti jala
- roti canai
- curry mee
- beef soup (i don't know what it's called)
- mangosteen
- mata kucing
- curry fish
- nasi lemak
- the long deep fried crunchy thing - how do you spell it? yew char koay??
- my favourite fried yam puff (it's a teow chew dessert i think)
- all sorts of kueh! you know the green and white one, the blue rice one with kaya, the green thing with coconut, etc
- sticky rice thing you get at the dim sum shops
- pisang goreng
- kangkong belacan!
- peanut pancake
- coconut!
- bubur cha cha
- fancy steamboat for a friend's birthday :)
- belacan chicken
- fried fish in noodle soup - my dad's fav
- tandoori chicken and butter naan yummm
- and of course yummy mummy's cooking :)

To be tasted in the near future
- crabs!
- i want salted fish. i don't care what it is in
- nasi kandar, chilly squid
- the chinese pancake with bananas and raisins near the place you get your passport

hmmm any other suggestions on things i must eat? i'm actually getting feeling quite full all the time. It's so fun being on holidays. I do nothing but eat, shop, watch movies, sleep, read books, and eat again. Hahaha - I can't write anything serious - I'm on holiday mode! Wheeeeeeee

My first post!

2007-07-24T17:41:00.000+09:30

I am sure you are all surprised that Deb has finally succumbed to blogging. :) The only problem is - what do I write???

My time home has been pretty eventful so far. It started even before I left Adelaide. At 11 a.m. on Saturday I was all packed and ready to go, and getting a bit impatient. So I thought I'd lock up my bag. Which was when I suddenly realised I had forgotten the code! I'm not sure if you've seen my bag but it has one of those locks where you have a 3 digit code you have to enter to lock and unlock the bag. The last time I used the bag was in Dec 2004 and I tried every combination number I thought possible with no success. So I had to do it the long way... starting with 000, 001, 002, 003 etc... and then to 010, 011, 012, etc. You can image the panic setting in.

When I went up to 499, I thought to myself this is absolutely ridiculous. At any rate, it was highly unlikely I would start the code with 5, so I tried starting from the back, i.e. 901. Thankfully, the lock opened at 921. That number doesn't even stand for anything! But I don't know how to change the code so I guess it will have to stay that way.

The good thing is at least I had something to do to pass the time - it was now 11.40 a.m.

Then... my flight. After a long journey stuck between big people (yup I was the one in the very middle of 5 seats), I arrived at KLIA to find out that my KL - Pg flight was cancelled and I was put on a later flight (and the MAS people in Adelaide didn't inform me, I might add). AND of course I didn't have a mobile phone with me to inform anyone. It was at times like this that I thought maybe I should have listened to Esther's advice after all. ;) Even worse I had no Malaysian coins to make a call. It was a good thing I accidentally met Patrick (from OCF UniSA) and Janice (from OCF Ade Uni) at KLIA and used Patrick's phone. Didn't want my parents to start panicking when their darling daughter didn't appear at 11.15 pm as planned. (Incidentally I phoned my dad during the evening service so the whole church heard his phone ring - :) well he should have switched off his phone!)

It is a strange thing but at KLIA it seemed everyone was going back to Adelaide. Apart from Patrick and Janice, we met Debra Gonzago and a few other people I have unfortunately forgotten. Anyway I finally got onto my connecting flight and arrived in Penang.

THEN I went to wait for my luggage. And the longer I waited, the more I panicked. I had this strange sense of dejavu - felt just like the first time I came home in 2001 and my luggage went missing. And of course it would be just the only time I did not label my luggage with my name and contact details!

Thankfully, my bag finally appeared.

THEN I walked out and whadaya know, the customs guy decides that I look really suspicious. I was asked (in very fast Malay I might add) to go to the corner where another guard promptly took my bag and put it through those scanning machines. By this time I was so tired (it was past midnight in Malaysia) and not a bit annoyed so you can excuse my slight twinge of "I told you so" when the guard expressed surprise at finding my huge bag was so light.

And finally, I could get out of the airport and meet my family.

Apart from the little glitches on my journey home I have had a wonderful time so far. Been eating lots and reading lots and shopping. :) Of course I've knocked over a cup of teh peng all over my 2nd of the three pairs of clothing I brought home - so had to go shopping quickly. Haha. And I knocked over a bottle of cold water too. And I've forgotten how to count in Hokkien - which is really important when the hawker stall guy asks for money. But it's great being home. Feels a little weird, but great anyway. :)

Haha - and I thought I wouldn't know what to write. ANYWAY. Don't hold your breathe for the next blog post. :)