Heart

It has been an interesting journey the last 6 months. I have felt God nudging me forward (maybe even pushing me :)) and at each stage, I have become acutely aware of the need of owning what God is saying to me.

When I was a teenager, I had this limitless (naïve) belief and courage - I wanted to change the world and I believed God would use me. Then I grew a little older and realised that changing the world was a little more complex then I first imagined. I couldn't even really change myself. On my own, that is. And I learnt firsthand the grace of God in my life and in everyone else's - how He changes us AND wants to use us to change the world.

But just as God allowed a time of stripping of selfish motivations and self-confidence, He now invites me to grow in my confidence of Him. Never have I felt it more than now, especially when people ask me about what I am doing in Wycliffe. I feel almost apologetic and unsure. Of course, part of it is due to the fact that this is a transition period, and I am not entirely sure yet what it will look like. But deep down, I can sense a little bit of fear - do I really know what I'm doing??? What if I'm wrong? What if Aileen is wrong and I'm not suited for the task after all?

So last Sunday, I felt God remind me again "You were chosen because of HEART, not ability".

Sure, I guess God puts us in places where the gifts He has given us in the first place will fit , and I don't deny that there is some need to make sure our ability and our task matches up somehow. But I think sometimes (or maybe often times) God puts us in positions that we grow into. And at the start, I may not feel as if I really have the ability - but God knows what I will become.

You were chosen because of HEART - I was reminded of the woman of with the alabaster jar (Mark 14:3-6). How she gave of everything she had. She not only gave of her money, she risked her reputation and endured the questions of a group of men who assumed they knew her heart. It seemed like a waste - but Jesus understood her heart. He defended her and promised that 'wherever the Good News is preached throughout the world, this woman's deed will be remembered and discussed'.

And so it is today. Her story captures the imagination of millions as we ponder - what was she thinking? What drove her to do such a brave and unusual act? How did she feel as she walked in that room? As we read story, we smell the fragrance of that expensive perfume, just as if we were in the room - the fragrance of an open and extravagant heart, overflowing with love for her Master.

A pathway no one knew was there

Your road led through the sea,
your pathway through the mighty waters,
a pathway no one knew was there. Psalm 77:19

For some time now I had this niggling feeling that God was speaking, but I was too busy and exhausted to pay attention. Actually, to be honest, I was too afraid to pay attention for fear of what God might say, because it was coming up to the middle of the year, the time when I believed I had to make a decision.

You see God had given me this promise at the beginning of this year, Ps 77:19. I felt I had to make my next step at the middle of this year, and that clarity will follow. But in the last six months, this pathway God promised had not appeared - yet. And it was coming close to my personal 'deadline' of 15 July 2010.

So this morning Marilyn Skinner's challenge hit too close to home: You have a choice - faith OR fear.

Immediately my thoughts when straight to Ps 77:19. Deep down inside, I think I already knew why the pathway had not appeared. God was waiting, it was my turn to move.

Just to make sure this was right, I flipped back to Exodus to read a little more about this pathway that God created for the people of Israel in Exodus 14:1-31 and I almost laughed out loud. You'll see why in a minute as you read along...

"Order the Israelites to turn back and camp by Pi-hahiroth between Migdol and the sea. Camp there along the shore, across from Baalzephon. Then Pharoah will think, 'The Israelites are confused. They are trapped in the wilderness!' And once again I will harden Pharaoh's heart and he will chase after you. I have planned this in order to display my glory through Pharaoh and his whole army. After this the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord!"

It seemed God planned it all along. He purposefully told the Israelites to turn back and camp at the sea, in a position where they were going to be trapped.

So the inevitable happened - the army of Egypt came chasing and tension rose in the Israelite camp as they considered their impending doom. I could totally identify with the Israelites as they watched the Egyptian army come closer and closer. Trapped in a corner, between the army of Egypt and the sea, with no where to turn. You could almost feel their fear! Listen to their cries

"Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren't there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? Didn't we tell you this would happen while we were still in Egypt?"

So similar to mine. 'God it's all your fault I'm in this situation now. Why didn't You just leave me alone? I could have served You in other ways. Now I'm all here on my own, tired out, frustrated.' :)

Yet listen to what God tells Moses!

"Why are you crying out to me? Tell the people to get moving. Pick up your staff and raise your hand over the sea. Divide the water so the Israelites can walk through the middle of the sea on dry ground."

And here comes to cool part - the bit everyone wants to get to.

Then Moses raised his hand over the sea, and the Lord opened up a path through the water with a strong east wind.

We all want to see God opening up paths for us where there were none before, but instead of waiting for these paths to appear, perhaps God requires us to first step out in faith. Instead of moaning and whining about my problems, perhaps God's actually saying to me 'Why are you crying to me? Get moving!'

Maybe it's a little like those computer games my brother used to play, where as the little characters ventured out, more of the map would be revealed. But you don't know what is there, friend or foe, treasure or war, until you step out.

OK God, so now I'm ready to take my next step. You just need to tell me what it is.

But he was an evil king, for he did not seek the Lord with all his heart (2 Chr 12:14)


As young working adults, with our future ahead of us, we are often told we can change the world. We leave our studies and student life with the determination that we will make our lives count for God, whether it is in our work or in our home, with our families or in our community, in Australia or in Malaysia. We are told to dream big, because God is a big God and there is nothing impossible with Him!

Yet things don't always turn out as planned. We discover that there are quite a few challenges, and setbacks. We find that life doesn't always 'play fair' - we might put a certain amount of work into something, and only receive minimal results. Or we discover that things take time, it takes time for us to settle into work, it takes time to find our footing within our families and community, it takes time to find new friends.

In the midst of it, we find ourselves struggling with the every day issues - work, family life, finances, friends... and we feel helpless and unable to make any difference in the circumstances we are in. And at the back of our minds, we wonder "What happened to all those dreams?"

Unlike most of us, King Rehoboam was the king of Judah, a man with the opportunity to make a difference and the power to accomplish great things. Here was someone who could really change the world, or at least his nation. Yet 2 Chr 12:14 summarises this king's life with one word - evil. Interestingly, the Bible then explains that he was an evil king, because he did not seek the Lord with all his heart.

What if God first looks at our hearts, to see if we truly love and desire Him? And what if, our dreams, and our plans to change the world, are only really birthed from that love for God? And what if true change, whether in our hearts, in our communities or in this world, could only really be accomplished by the Spirit of God, in our hearts?

If our first priority is to seek God with all our heart, then even though we may not feel as if we are 'accomplishing great things', we are accomplishing everything - because we are right where God wants us to be.

Ps 16

I feel like something is wrong but I just don't know what. At first I thought it was just coming-back-to-reality blues, after being in the Philippines and being at home. But its now two weeks since I've been back, and I don't think that's it.

In all honesty, I can blame lots of things but I think I know what it is. God's been speaking since before the Philippines and I've just found myself in that uncomfortable place of on one hand wanting to go forward and yet on the other, not wanting to move at all. It is too scary. So I'm now in denial mode, trying to live life like normal and delay making decisions till later. But it is already the first week of March and it's killing me to live like this.

'God, I don't want to live like this. Please help me hear you clearly again.'

***

Two minutes later I pick up my Bible and read Psalm 16

Keep me safe, O God, for I have come to you for refuge.
Wow! That sentence just summarised for me how I've been feeling, the source of my fears - my need to feel safe.

I said to the Lord, "You are my Master! Every good thing I have comes from you."
A reminder once again that God is my Master, and He demands and deserves my complete obedience. Not only that, He is a good Master! As I look back at my life I can attest to God's goodness. This reminds me also of James 1:17 'Every good gift and every perfect gift comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is NO variation or shadow of turning'; and of Ps 84:11b "No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly".

The godly people in the land are my true heroes! I take pleasure in them!
Troubles multiply for those who chase after other gods.
I will not take part in their sacrifices of blood or even speak the names of their gods.
I am reminded of those who truly deserve to be imitated, men and women of God who have lived life purposefully and selflessly. For a while there, I have been tempted to 'chase after other things'. Making these decisions this year will mean that I have chosen my path. I may not have the security of a full time job and steady income. I may not have the comfort of a stable, unchanging environment, or of being in the company of close friends nearby. Yet I am reminded that the people who are the true heroes are those who have followed God 100%, whatever the cost (known or unknown).

Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine.
The land you have given me is a pleasant land. What a wonderful inheritance!
The Lord is my inheritance! How precious is that. Over and above all the blessings He bestows on my life, I have a greater blessing, the pleasure of His presence AND a hope for the future. 1 Pet 1:4 we have a priceless inheritance - an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay. I need to remind myself of this priceless inheritance I already have. And God promises to guard all that is mine!
Not only that, God gives me good promises today. No matter how uncertain it may seem, I have to believe that God's promises to me will be 'a pleasant land', since every good thing comes from God.

I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me.
Thank you for your guidance now. I needed to hear all this, to remind myself before my emotions and path started to sway.

I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.
Amen!

No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety.
For you will not leave my soul among the dead, or allow your Holy One to rot in the grave.
You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forevermore.
Thank you for showing me the true way of life. It is not the way of this world, which focuses only on the here and now, and lives life for itself. Because of Christ, I can be full of joy because You are with me, and I can be truly safe because I will be with You forever.

Thank you, Lord.

What does the future hold?

I have been reflecting on how I felt this time last year - everything felt wrong but I didn't understand why. And with the coming of the new year (2008), I clung on to the hope that perhaps the start of the new year would bring about something magical in my circumstances. Maybe things would shift. Maybe I would learn whatever it was that I was meant to learn, and then God would bring me out of this horrible season. Maybe I'd just feel a lot better after I rested. Maybe ...

Interestingly enough, I really felt God speak a word over my 2008 - and that was 'breakthrough'. I've had a pretty tough last three years anyway, so I figured it was about time things got better! But 2008 came, and come March I didn't feel any better - actually I felt much worse!

I remember one night being so agitated that I started to paint my nails to take my mind off everything. Now one of my finger nails always gave me problems when it came to nail-polish. The surface of the nail wasn't smooth, so no matter how many layers I tried to put on, it NEVER looked smooth. In fact, the more layers I applied, the uglier it became!

I felt God speak to me clearly that night. No amount of polish was going to hide the fact that my nail was rough. The harder I tried, the worse it became. In the same way, all that effort of trying to overcome my agitation and pain myself was only making things worse and showing off my true nature more clearly. The only way things could change was if the surface of the nail itself was smoothened. The only way I could breakthrough was if God did some deep work on my heart.

As I pondered on the events of 2008, I realised God has done just that in specific areas of my life. I've learnt a very precious truth that God can be trusted in every circumstance. Only God can use the difficult and painful circumstances of life and weave it into something beautiful.

So now I come again to the same time of the year, contemplating what my future holds in 2009.
Personally for me, one verse has been captivating me in the last few weeks. Eph 1:5 (NLT) 'God decided in advance to adopt us into His own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ. This is what He wanted to do, and it gave Him great pleasure.' As I ponder on its amazing meaning, I have felt God breathe one word into my 2009, 'Intimacy'.

I don't know what 2009 will be like. I don't know how God is going to work in my life to teach me or grow me, just as I didn't know how my 2008 was going turn out. There are so many things unknown, but one thing is certain, that 'the word of the Lord holds true and we can trust everything He does' Ps 33:4 (NLT).

2008 has been a year where this verse has proved itself in my life, and I pray that it will be so for you. Your future may be uncertain and life might feel a little too scary and unknown - but we have a God we can trust. May 2009 be a year where we shed off another layer and allow God's word to penetrate deep into our hearts, to change us from the inside out.

Fav verses in 2008

Psalm 18:28-34

Have you ever been so frustrated with yourself and your lack of ability to fully represent God? This has been a constant struggle especially in my last four years in Adelaide. I have never been more aware of my frailty, my weakness, my cowardice - and oh so frustrated that when I should be loving, I hurt others; when I should be patient, I get angry; when I should speak out, I stay silent... and the list goes on.

I remember Easter 2006 reading Psalm 18:28-34, and being captivated by verse 28

For You will light my lamp;
the Lord my God will enlighten my darkness (v28)

I have been thinking about it for the last few years and have come to several conclusions so far.

One obvious meaning is that God is my guide - He lights up my way.

It is God ... who makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of deer ... (v32-33)

Looking back at God's guidance in my life, these verses resound within me because I know He has made my way perfect and continues to do that (see also Prov 119:105). Sometimes God's path has not seemed perfect because it has brought me to dark places. But I have come to realise that not all dark places are due to disobedience and sin.

In Isaiah 50:10 the question is asked "Who among you fears the Lord? Who obeys the voice of His Servant? Who walks in darkness and has no light?" The same person was referred to in those three questions, i.e. the one who fears and obeys God YET walks in darkness, (not referring to the darkness of sin). His inferred encouragement to us in Isa 50:11 is to trust in God to light up our darkness as he sternly warns those who would try to kindle their own fires that they would 'lie down in torment'! What a comfort to know that life sometimes throws us into dark situations, and when all seems dark, God promises to light up our darkness if we keep trusting in Him.

The other thought is that God is the one who makes me 'a light' for Him. Matt 5:14 tells us that as Christians we are the light of the world. I don't have to try to make myself shine brightly - it is God who does it. Isn't it amazing that God does the impossible and places this precious light in our frail clay vessels (see 2 Cor 4:6-7)!

Again, as I look back, I see God's hand in my life, using people, experiences, and all sorts of circumstances in order to make me His light

For by You I can run against a troop,
by my God I can leap over a wall. (v29)
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of deer
and sets me on high places
He teaches my hands to make war,
so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze (v32-34)

Sometimes (actually most times) I've not really appreciated His method of strengthening me or 'teaching my hands to make war'. It's been pretty uncomfortable, often painful. Yet as I look back, I see that God's discipline afterwards yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have allowed themselves to be trained (Heb 12:11). There have been many things I would never have understood or appreciated without the painful training.

Psalm 18:28-34 has become one of my favourite passages - loaded with personal meaning as I reflect on how God has been my guide, and has lighted my life in dark times, and has placed His light in me so that I can reflect Him to others. Nothing sums it up better that verse 30

As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the Lord is proven,
He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

Things I've learnt in 2008

Finally, last week of uni is over. No more study! Until the next sem. But now there is just this ... this quietness ... everything slowly winding down. Feels like every reserve of energy and adrenaline has been exhausted just to keep things going this semester.

How different 2008 has turned out to be. I've learnt this year that you can never predict or control the future. So many unexpected events have lead to my today and sometimes when you can't quite see the future clearly, there just needs to be that faith to believe that 'the word of the Lord holds true, and we can trust everything He does' (Ps 33:4). I never thought I'd come to a day when I could be okay with uncertainty - but I'm getting there.

I've also learnt that noble ambitions and happy feelings don't last - and after all that's promised to God, actually obeying Him sometimes requires us just to keep at it because we know the truth. 'I take joy in doing Your will God, for Your instructions are written on my heart' (Ps 40:8)

And despite sad times, I still believe Ps 84:11b 'The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right'. Sometimes in the midst of our obedience, it just doesn't feel that way. Yet I think there is no other way to live than to live 100% for God. Although I don't have 80 years of experience yet, I have this sneaky suspicion that I'd live to regret it if I didn't choose to lay my life down for God.

I don't write this with any noble feelings at the moment. When the realities of the 'cost' of obedience starts to hit home, the temptation to compromise becomes so appealing. You start to entertain thoughts of 'Does it really have to be this way God?'

But the point isn't trying to negotiate a better deal with God - as if He would give us anything less that perfect. The point is: Do I really trust that He will not withhold any good thing as I choose to do what is right? And do I really want to do God's will because I love Him more than anything else?

I think I do ... I want to ... God, help me to ...